There Is Still A Hope After Hope Is Gone
by Pip3
Summary: Harry has a problem and Snape finds out. This story contains selfmutilation. complete
1. hope1

There Is Still A Hope After Hope Is Gone 

Disclaimer: This story is not authorized, prepared, approved, licensed, or endorsed by J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., or any other individual or entity associated with the Harry Potter books or movies. 

~~/~@ 

~~/~@ 

Somewhere in England was a school that cannot be found on maps. It's a school for witches and wizards. This school is called Hogwarts, and Harry Potter went to school there. He was the savior of the wizarding world, having defeated the Dark Lord several different times. In the fall of 1992, fifteen year old Harry Potter was sitting in a dark and cold dungeon that was lit by candles. 

Harry sat in the back corner or the Potions classroom with his best friend Ron. They were partners in their potions assignment and Ron had forgotten his notes again, so he had to keep asking Harry what came next in the assignment. 

"Harry… do the frog eyes go in before or after the fairy hair?" Ron asked. Harry paused to check his notes. 

"Before," Harry answered and went back to stirring. 

"OK… good." Ron breathed a sigh of relief. 

Harry shook his head with a grin. He got so involved in counting his stirring that he didn't notice Snape standing behind him until Snape tapped his arm. He looked up and saw that his sleeve had been pushed up by the edge of the cauldron, and that Snape had noticed it. Harry pulled his sleeve back down, glaring at the professor just daring him to say something. Neither of them said anything and Snape walked back to the front of the class, leaving Harry in complete shock. He had expected Professor Snape to berate him and embarrass him in front of the class. That would have been the Snape thing to do. For all the years Harry had been going to school at Hogwarts, Snape had always seemed to resent Harry. 

"Now… you should just about be finished stirring your potion. When you are finished, put your cauldron in the back of the room and then you may leave," Snape said. At once, everyone moved to put their cauldrons away and left. 

"Not you, Potter. I want to speak with you. Please stay." Harry's face grew hot because he knew why Snape wanted to talk to him. 

"You want us to wait for you?" Ron asked as Hermione joined them. Harry glanced at Snape and shook his head. 

"No… go on." 

Ron and Hermione were the last to leave, and Harry walked up to Snape's desk where he was patiently waiting. 

"Sir?" Harry asked. 

"Mister Potter, I want to know how those cuts got on your left arm." 

"Oh well, Hermione's cat got angry and-" 

"Try again, Mister Potter. Those aren't cat scratches." Snape interrupted. Harry looked down at his feet. 

"Give me your arm." Snape said. Harry shook his head. "Give me your arm, boy!" Snape demanded louder. Harry reluctantly held out his left arm for Snape. He pushed up Harry's sleeve and inspected the arm. 

"Just as I thought. There's plenty of old scars here, all about one inch long. Seems that they get wider. Have you been cutting deeper lately?" 

"Wh- what?" Harry's face paled, "I don't cut myself, sir. That's crazy," he lied. Snape rolled his eyes. 

"I'm not stupid, Potter. I know that you cut yourself. I know these marks. I don't know why I didn't notice before. You never seem to let anything get to you. I should have known something was up." 

"I don't know what you are talking about, Professor," Harry said as he pulled his arm away. Snape rolled up his own sleeve and Harry saw scars on Snape's arms that looked almost identical to his. There were more than he had, but there were no new ones. Most of the scars surrounded Snape's Dark Mark. 

"You?" Harry was shocked. 

"Yes, Harry. I used to cut myself. That's why I know for sure that you do. Now… do you want to tell the truth?" 

"Fine. I do cut myself, but I can control it. It's fine now, and I'll stop when I need to. I can stop. I just need it right now." 

"Yeah… I thought the same thing. Harry, you are already starting to cut deeper. Soon, even that won't be enough to get rid of the pain. You'll cut deeper and more often until you accidentally cut too deep in the wrong spot." Snape said in a firm, but gentle voice. 

"Yeah so? What do you care? I'm not going to kill myself, but what if I did die? I wouldn't be a bother to you anymore. And Hermione and Ron and everyone else wouldn't have to worry anymore. And the Hufflepuffs will have justice for me getting Cedric killed. If I hadn't made him take the cup with me last year, he never would have been there with Voldemort and me. Voldemort was after me and so he just had Wormtail kill Cedric like he was not even a person. Face it… everything would be better if I were dead." 

"Everything would not be better if you were dead. Your friends would just be devastated, but not relieved of worry. And yes, you bother me sometimes… but I would be no happier if you died. I apologize for the way I have treated you in the past. The truth is that you just remind me so much of my own son, who died very young. I guess I was just bitter about his loss, and you brought back painful memories. And your death wouldn't bring justice for anything…. Cedric's death was not your fault." Harry didn't acknowledge any of what Snape said. He just kept his face neutral. 

"Like I said before… I know what I'm doing and I can control it. So leave me alone." Harry started to walk out. 

"Dumbledore will have to know." Snape said. Harry froze and turned to Snape. 

"Please, don't. Please, he can't know. I can't have him thinking of me as some weak, crazy kid. I'm Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived and defeated the Dark Lord. People can't see any weakness in me." 

"He won't think you're crazy… and you are only human. All human's have weaknesses. You have to know that. Dumbledore will just want for you to get better. Harry you have to stop this behavior." Snape said. 

"Can't we work something out so that Dumbledore doesn't have to know?" 

Snape shook his head. "He has to know… he's the headmaster." At this Harry hung his head in defeat. "You may go now," Snape said. Harry left, silently. 

~~/~@ 

Severus Snape had gone straight to Headmaster Dumbledore's office after Harry had left. He stood in front of Dumbledore's large wooden desk He looked all over the gold laced office and at the moving photographs of famous wizards. He looked anywhere except straight into Dumbledore's eyes. 

"Well, Severus, do you have any idea why he is cutting himself?" Dumbledore asked. 

"No, I don't. I didn't really know why I cut when I was younger... besides, he didn't really like talking to me. I don't blame him with how hard I've treated him all these years," Snape said. 

"Well, you are going to have to find a way to get him to talk to you. You are the best person for this job." 

"Yes, sir." Snape nodded and left Dumbledore's office. 

~~/~@ 

"What did Snape want?" Ron asked as soon as Harry stepped through the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. 

"Nothing," Harry shook his head. He approached Ron and Hermione who were sitting in the large red chairs surrounding the large fireplace. 

"What do you mean, nothing? You had to stay after for some reason." 

"Well, it's none of your business." 

"But we're best friend, Harry. Best friends tell each other everything," Ron frowned. 

"I can't tell you because you're my best friend." 

"Harry, you can tell us anything. We'll always be here." Hermione joined in. Harry started getting angry. 

"I can't tell you. Just accept it." 

"Wait... I know. Why didn't I see this before? It's so obvious," realized Ron. "It's about those cuts on your arm. You always have cuts on your arms and you always have a different excuse for each one." 

"What is Ron talking about, Harry?" Hermione asked. 

"Nothing. He doesn't know what he's talking about." Harry coldly said before rushing up to the dorms. Hermione turned to Ron. 

"Well? What is going on?" she demanded to know. Ron's shoulders slumped. 

"Haven't you ever noticed the cuts on his arms? They look too exact. I always dismissed them because Harry had an excuse for them, but I think in the back of my mind I knew that it just wasn't right." Hermione nodded at this and Ron continued, "Well, I think that he cuts himself. And Snape saw his arms today. I think that's why he held Harry back." 

"Oh Ron..." Hermione looked devastated. "We have to tell someone." 

"Dumbledore," Ron agreed. They both glanced up in the direction of the dorms where Harry had gone, and then headed for Dumbledore's office. 

When they reached the gargoyle that led to Dumbledore's office, they realized that they didn't know the password. 

"We know that he likes to use sweets for his passwords so let's try a bunch of different ones." Ron suggested. They tried different candies including Sugar Quills, Bertie Bott's Beans, Chocolate Frogs, and some muggle candies like Snickers, Twix, and Lion Bar. 

"Ton Tongue Toffees," the calm voice of Snape said from behind them. It worked. 

"Professor Snape? Wait... how does Dumbledore know about Fred and George's Toffees?" Ron asked. 

"I have no idea. What do you wish to see the Headmaster for?" Snape asked. They didn't answer. "Let me guess... it's about Potter." At this, Hermione nodded. "I will accompany you to the office. Follow me." He stepped in front of them and gracefully swept up the spiral staircase behind the gargoyle. 

"Headmaster, Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger are here to speak with you," Snape said when they entered the office. 

"Come in, sit down. Now, what would you like to speak to me about?" Dumbledore asked. Ron glanced unsurely towards Snape. 

"Don't mind him," Dumbledore said. 

"Well, we think that Harry's cutting himself on purpose. We see the cuts all the time, but he always has an excuse," Ron said. Hermione nodded in agreement. 

"I see... yes. Professor Snape also shared this concern with me." 

"He did? Well, I guess he would. Ron thought that was why Snape held Harry back today to talk," Hermione said. 

"Yes, and I've put Professor Snape in charge of talking to Harry about this situation." 

"Why?" Ron asked. 

"That, I'm afraid, I cannot tell you," Dumbledore answered as he looked at Snape. Hermione and Ron accepted that and thanked both Snape and Dumbledore before leaving. 

~~/~@ 

When Harry went up to the dorm, he felt like he was going to explode. He was so frustrated and angry with himself for letting his guard down and everyone else for finding out. He went straight to where he hid his blade in his trunk. Nobody else was in the dorms so it was safe. He got some towels to put under his arm and then he took the blade and sliced once across his left arm. 

Immediately, he felt relief wash over him and he sighed. He cut once more and watched as the blood flowed in rivulets down his arm onto the towel. The blood cooled as it ran down his arm, sending shivers down his spine. After about a minute, he wiped his arm held the towel tightly around his arm until the bleeding slowed. He then cleaned up his mess and put the blade back in the trunk. He pulled a book out to read, as if nothing unusual had just happened. Time went by and when Ron came into the dorm he looked up from his book. 

"You talked to Dumbledore," Harry stated simply. Ron nodded. 

"Yeah we did." 

"So did Snape." 

"Listen Harry. We only did because we care about you. We want you to be happy and cutting yourself is not exactly a sign of happiness." Ron said. 

"Yeah, I know.... I'm sorry." Harry sighed. Ron nodded. 

"It's ok. I know that you-" Ron stopped in mid-sentence when he saw a dark spot on Harry's sleeve. "You did it again, didn't you?" Ron asked with narrowed eyes. Harry hesitated and shook his head. 

"Harry, don't lie," Ron said. He, being bigger and stronger than Harry (as most people were), grabbed Harry's arm and pushed up the sleeve. He saw the two angry red gashes. 

"Harry, why?" Ron asked. Harry shrugged. 

"You have to stop this. You're gonna really hurt yourself one of these days." 

"No, Ron. I know how to handle this. Please, just leave it alone." Harry said as he pulled his hand free and let his sleeve slide down. He had just been through this with Snape. 

"Fine. I'll leave it to Snape to handle," Ron muttered. 

"What?" 

"Snape... Dumbledore assigned him to talk to you," Ron explained. 

"Oh great..." Harry mumbled as he sat back down on his bed and picked up his book again. 

~~/~@ 

The next morning, Harry was on his way to the Great Hall for breakfast with Hermione and Ron. None of them said anything about yesterday, and the conversation was strained. They sat and ate their breakfast in silence, and next to them the whole Gryffindor table noticed the tension. 

"Come on, you three. What's wrong?" Neville finally asked them. 

"Nothing. We're just a bit tired," Harry said. Nobody bought his answer. 

"Are you and Ron fighting again?" Seamus asked. Ron and Harry shook their heads. 

"Are you both fighting with Hermione?" He guessed again. 

"Nobody is fighting. We're just tired, like Harry said," Hermione told him. Everyone at the table kept trying to figure it out like a game, though. Harry stood up and decided he was done eating. 

"I'm going back to the room," he announced. 

"No, Mr. Potter. You'll be coming with me." Professor Snape said from behind him, making Harry jump in surprise. 

"Why do you always sneak up from behind?" Harry asked, wanting to glare at his professor. 

"Because you'd run away if you saw me approach from the front." 

"Fine." 

Harry obediently followed Snape to his office. He sat in a chair and Snape sat behind his desk. They both sat in silence for a minute before Snape started. 

"Harry, I was asked by Dumbledore to talk to you about your cutting. First, I want to know if you know why you cut. There are many reason... to feel like you are real, to punish yourself, or to release a lot of pent up feelings," Snape explained. Harry looked up sharply at the last one. 

"OK... I see I've hit something there. Harry... tell me, what do you feel when you cut?" 

Harry crossed his arms and looked at Snape in silence. Snape sighed in exasperation and unconsciously ran his right hand over his arm where his dark mark was. 

"Harry, when I turned from Voldemort to begin spying on him for the light, I felt horrible. I realized for the first time that I was a murderer. I wasn't just working for Voldemort, but I killed innocent people. Because I had begun spying, I wasn't put into Azkaban Prison. I never really had the punishment that I deserved. Because of this, I began to punish myself. My cutting was a punishment for the sins that I committed. I've revealed this to you, Harry. I'm going to ask you again… what do you feel when you cut?" Snape leaned over Harry. Harry fidgeted and began to pick imaginary lint off of his school robes as he tried to explain it to Snape. 

"Well... um... OK, imagine a balloon. The balloon is filled with air and it looks nice and is doing fine. But somebody decides to keep filling it with air. After a while that balloon is going to pop, right? So you put a little hole in the balloon with out popping it, so that air can escape and the balloon is no longer in danger of popping. Well, I'm that balloon and sometimes there is just so much... bad feelings and I need to release them with a hole, like the balloon. Di- did that make any sense? Am I crazy?" Harry fidgeted uncomfortably. 

"That makes perfect sense, Harry. I can understand what you are re going through, and you are not crazy. You just found a not-so-good way of coping with your feelings. But... before we can work on finding a new way to deal, you have to realize that what you are doing is bad." Snape said. 

"Well, I know it's bad. But I like it... I mean it works so fast when nothing else does." 

Harry rolled up his sleeves, reluctantly, showing his arms to Snape. Snape had come around from the desk to inspect. 

"Hmm... yes. These two are new. What triggered these?" 

"Uh... I kinda got in a fight with Ron and Hermione when Ron realized what was going on. And you found out... and you were all telling Dumbledore. I felt like I was losing the one thing I had control over," Harry said. 

"Mmhmm. Ok. I guess that's all this time. We'll talk at least once a week. More if I feel it's necessary or if you want to. And you can come see me anytime you need to." 

"Ok that's fine. But... why the big change? Being nice to me, I mean," Harry asked. 

"I realized that I can't just take my problems out on you and your friends... you have enough problems yourself. I guess I understand you better. I apologize for all that I have done to you these past four years." Snape said with sincerity. 

"Thank you." Harry nodded. He stood up and left the office quietly. 

~~/~@ 

The rest of Saturday and Sunday passed with nothing out of the ordinary happening. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all made up and things were more or less back to normal. Monday they went to Potions class together and sat in their usual spots towards the back, waiting for Snape to show up. 

Everyone jumped when Snape, as usual, slammed the door open on his entrance. 

"Today we will finish working on the potion from last week. Get your cauldron from the back of the room. I will come around and check if they are correct so far." Snape said. The class hurried to get their cauldrons and set them on their desks, waiting for Snape to come around. 

Luckily for Neville, he was working with Hermione so his potion was actually correct. When Snape came around to Ron and Harry, he frowned. They both braced themselves for a lecture, but didn't get one. 

"You're potion is purple. It should be blue.... probably too much fairy hair. That can be fixed later in the process. I'll help you when we come to that point." Snape stiffly said, and patted Harry on the back before walking away to check the next potion. 

Snape smiled to himself at all the surprised faces, and at Ron's whispering to Harry. 

"What bloody happened just now, Harry?" 

~~/~@ 

At lunch everyone was talking about the change with Snape. The sixths years hadn't had Potions yet so Ron was trying to explain to them. 

"It was bloody amazing. He came over and I thought he was going to yell at us... but he actually told us what to do to fix the potion," he was saying. 

Harry laughed softly and Ron's amazement. 

"Potter!" Draco yelled as he approached the table. 

"Yeah, Malfoy?" Harry asked with raised eyebrows. 

"What did you do to Snape? After you talk with him. He does a 180, and he starts being nice to you and your Gryffindork friends.... so what did you do to him?" he snarled. 

"Sod off, Malfoy," Ron retorted. 

"What, can't Potter fight his own battles? No, I guess not. That's how his mother died, isn't it? Fighting for Potter." Draco laughed. He walked away before any Gryffindor would punch him. 

"Don't listen to him, Harry. He's jealous." Hermione said. 

"Yeah, I guess." Harry said to please her. He picked up his book bag and rummaged around. 

"I left my Divination book back in the dorms. I'd better go get it. I'll meet you in class after lunch." He said as he got up and left the Great Hall. He hurried up the staircase towards the Gryffindor house. He didn't stop when he heard Ron yelling for him to stop, but he tripped on the trick stair and Ron and Hermione caught up with him. He sighed and looked up at them. 

"Harry, we're not stupid you know. Dumb lies like that aren't going to work," Ron said. 

"They worked for the last four years," Harry replied as Ron helped him up. 

"Last four... Harry, that's how long we've known you. How long have you been doing this?" Hermione asked. 

"Since before you even knew me. Please... just let me go do this?" Harry pleaded. 

"We can't do that... Harry, you know we can't," Ron told him. 

"You have to let me... and you will," Harry turned from them and walked toward the house again. Hermione and Ron reluctantly walked behind Harry. 

"Phoenix feather." Harry said when they reached the portrait. They entered the common room and Harry continued up the stairs to the dorm. Ron and Hermione stood their quietly until Ron cursed under his breath and rushed up the stairs to the dorm. 

Ron slammed open the door, and was stilled by the scene before him. Harry looked as if he hadn't even noticed Ron enter. He was just watching the blood flow down his arm. Harry was about to make another cut, but was stopped by Ron's grip on his arm. Harry looked up, not recognizing Ron until he shook his head. His gaze became sharper. 

"Ron... you should have stayed downstairs," Harry softly said. He then looked back down at his arm. Ron silently took the blade out of Harry's hand and led him to the bathroom. He then took Harry's bleeding arm and washed it. 

"Ron... are you ok?" 

"There was too much blood. I didn't come up sooner. I could have stopped you..." Ron muttered. 

"Yeah maybe you could have... but I would have done it again anyways. Listen, I'm sorry you had to see that. Let's go get Hermione, and go to Divination." Harry said. 

"Please... Harry please don't do that again," Ron pleaded. Harry didn't answer. 

~~/~@ 

Saturday rolled around so fast for Harry, and once again he found himself in Snape's office. 

"Harry, first I would like to see your arms." Snape began. Harry rolled up his sleeves and Snape saw the newest cut that was done last week. He looked at Harry for an explanation. 

"My mother... Malfoy was right. I can't fight my own battle, and I couldn't when she died for me." Harry explained. 

"You let Malfoy get to you? You were a baby when your parents died, Harry. Nobody could have defended themselves." 

"But I wasn't a baby last year when Cedric died. I shouldn't have forced him take the cup with me." 

"Harry, that wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault, and you must believe that." 

"I can't help it! I mean... all my life I was told that everything was my fault, and that everything would have been better if I'd have died with my parents in the car crash. I didn't even know how my parents really died until Hagrid came to get me the summer before first year. He's the one that told me that Voldemort killed my parents. They said that I should be grateful just for the food and shelter they give me, and I can't just change what have been shoved in my head just because everyone tells me to! Everyone tells me it's not my fault now, but if they really felt that way wouldn't they have helped me? Nobody really cares about me... they only say they do, but they'll run away when something unexpected happens. I knew that from the moment I first got my Hogwarts letter... it was addressed to me in the cupboard under the stairs.... just that alone shows that somebody knew how the Dursley's treated me... but nobody cared enough to save me!" Harry ended with tears running down his face. 

"Car crash? They told you that your parents died in a car crash? Harry, I'm terribly sorry. I don't know who addresses the letters, but I'm sure Dumbledore would have done something if he'd known." Snape told him. Harry nodded. 

"Harry, the Dursley's put you down like that your whole life?" Again, Harry nodded. 

"We'll have to get out of this way of thinking... the Dursley's were wrong and there is no excuse to treat a child like that." 

"OK..." Harry agreed. 

"Well, that should be all for now. Harry.. next time Draco Malfoy or anyone else upsets you, come to me and talk." Snape suggested. Harry nodded and got up and left. 

~~/~@ 

Time passed quickly and it was already the anniversary of the night that Harry's parents died... Halloween. Although Harry knew that he should be celebrating with everyone, he couldn't manage to be cheerful that night. He knew that his mood was starting to bring down his friend, so he stood up from the table and excused himself from the feast in the Great Hall. 

"Harry, where are you going?" Hermione asked. 

"I think I'll go see Professor Snape," he said. Ron and Hermione nodded with understanding. 

Harry walked through the halls of Hogwarts, not really looking at his surroundings. He stopped when he found himself in front of Snape's door. He raised his hand to knock, but stopped himself. 

"No... I've bothered him enough already. I should just leave him alone for once," Harry said to himself. He turned and headed for the Gryffindor dorms instead. When he got to the fifth year boy's dorm, he unlocked his trunk and got out his blade. He twirled it around in his hand, watching the light reflect off of it. 

"I missed you..." he muttered softly. He had finally agreed a few weeks ago to stop cutting himself because of how he saw it affect Ron when he witnessed it, and Hermione whenever she saw a new cut... but now it just seemed like the right thing to do. 

"Once more won't hurt. I haven't cut myself in weeks, and just need to once... that's it. Just once," he reasoned with himself. 

Finally, he shut up and dug the blade into the skin under his fore arm. Then he dragged it across and brought the blade up. He did it again, and then one more time. 

"It's not working..." He took the blade with his other hand and cut his right arm three times also. When he actually looked at his arms, he saw that they were bleeding far more than they ever had before. 

"Oh no..." he groaned. He pulled his sleeves over his arms in an effort to keep the blood from dripping on the carpet any more than it had already. Then he ran as fast as he could, out of the Gryffindor dorms, towards Snape's office. 

When he finally reached the office, he was clutching the walls to stay upright as he fought the dizziness from blood loss. He knocked on the door and leaned against it, fighting to stay conscious. He lost the battle as the door opened, and he fell into the strong arms of Professor Snape. 

"I'm sorry," he muttered before everything went black. 

~~/~@ 


	2. hope2

Professor Snape was eating his dinner at his desk when there was a light knock at the door. He stood and went to answer the door. When he opened it, the small body of Harry Potter fell towards him and he caught it. He held him and saw Harry's sleeves were soaked red. 

"I'm sorry..." Harry whispered before falling into unconsciousness. 

Snape swept the boy up and ran to the infirmary with him in his arms. He passed the occasional shocked and confused student, but mostly the halls were empty. 

"Poppy!" He yelled as he burst through the doors. 

"Severus! Honestly, what do you think--- OH!" She said. Snape put Harry on a bed and took Harry's robe and shirt off to get to the injured arms easier. Madame Pomphrey gasped when she saw the cuts on Harry's arms, but got over her shock to get to work on healing him. 

~~/~@ 

Ron and Hermione were called to Dumbledore's office where they found Snape and Dumbledore talking very seriously. 

"It's Harry, isn't it?" Ron asked. Snape nodded. 

"Harry showed up at Professor Snape's office and passed out, so we don't know if he was trying to kill himself or if he accidentally cut too deep. Madame Pomphrey is working on him now. He will live," Dumbledore explained. "We were talking about maybe moving Harry into Professor Snape's dungeons so that he can watch over Harry and be with him more often. That or, I'm afraid, our only other option would be to send him to St. Mungos. We don't have the facilities to monitor him here if the arrangement with Snape doesn't work out." 

~~/~@ 

By the next day, people were already whispering about what happened to Harry. The whole school knew about Harry's supposed 'suicide attempt'. Draco Malfoy seemed to be the only Slytherin who didn't look ecstatic about it. He excused himself from a breakfast table of Slytherins and left the Great Hall. He went to the infirmary and walked in. He saw the bed that Harry was in and his shoulders slumped. He was shocked at the sleeping boy's appearance. He was so pale... and his arms were in bandages that had little red spots where the bleeding hadn't stopped right away, and he was in restraints. He sat down on the bed next to Harry's and started talking. 

"I didn't think the rumors were true. Harry... I know you probably can't hear me and that I'm wasting my time, but I gotta know why. I mean... you're the freaking Boy Who Lived and everyone loves you. Why in the world would you want to die? I mean, I know what it feels like to want to die, but I wouldn't even wish that feeling onto my worst enemy... including you." 

"Mr. Malfoy..." Snape's voice startled Draco. He looked up, surprised to see Professor Snape with Ron and Hermione. 

"How long-" 

"Long enough to hear you talking. Maybe you can come back and tell him when he's conscious." Snape said. Draco nodded. 

"Yes, sir." He got up to leave as Hermione and Ron sat down on Harry's bed. Snape caught Draco by his shoulder. 

"I would like to speak to you later, Mr. Malfoy." Draco nodded at Snape and left. 

"Can't you just ennervate him or something?" Ron asked. 

"No, Mr. Weasly, I cannot. Harry's body needs time and rest to build up more blood and heal. To wake him now would not be good for his health." 

"Does he have to have the restraints?" Hermione asked. 

"I fought over this with Dumbledore. I didn't want them on Harry either, but I don't get to make the final call." 

~~/~@ 

After their visit to Harry, Snape went to the Slytherin dorms to get Draco. He brought him down to his office. 

"Draco... you told Harry that you know what it's like to want to die. Do you think of death often?" Draco paled at the question, but gave a slight nod. 

"Have you ever made plans to kill yourself?" 

"Yes." Draco replied in a small voice, unlike himself. 

"Why?" Draco was silent, not wanting to answer that question. 

"Draco, when it comes to matters like suicide, I can use Veritaserum on you." 

"Please don't." Draco pleaded. 

"Then answer the question." 

"I can't." 

Snape stood and went to get a vial of Veritaserum, the strongest truth potion known to wizards, from the shelves. He poured some into a small glass and handed it to Draco. 

"Drink.... all of it," he ordered. Draco shakily took the glass and drank it. 

"Ok, Draco, why do you want to kill yourself?" 

"Because I really don't want to be a deatheater. I'm to be initiated on my sixteenth birthday. I'd rather die than be a deatheater." Draco answered. 

"Thank you... that wasn't so hard. Now, I have something to tell you. Draco, I'm a deatheater... well I used to be." 

"You?" Draco got even paler. Snape was a death eater? He used to be a follower of Voldemort? This was not good, thought Draco. 

"Draco, calm down. I spied for Dumbledore after I turned from Voldemort. But... Voldemort knows now that I was a spy, so I can't spy anymore. Maybe you could help, though." 

~~/~@ 

Harry awoke with a rather large headache and tried to reach for his glasses, to find that he couldn't move his arms. 

"What the-" he muttered. Somebody slipped his glasses on for him. He looked over to see Draco Malfoy. 

"Malfoy? Oh no... I went to Hell." Harry groaned and closed his eyes again. He wondered why his worst school enemy was sitting next to him. 

"Don't be an idiot, Potter. You're in the infirmary. Snape and Pomphrey saved you. But now the whole school knows you attempted suicide." 

"Suicide? But I didn't." 

"Oh... somebody else slit your wrists for you?" Draco asked, sarcastically. 

"No, I did it. But I wasn't trying to kill myself. Why are you here?" Harry asked. Then Draco looked uncomfortable. 

"Well, I came to apologize for everything... and I know what it's like to want to die. Just stuff like that," Draco said, awkwardly. Harry was surprised that Draco shared this information with him, that he trusted Harry with it. 

"But you have a perfect life. You're rich. You have parents. How would you know what it's like to die?" Harry asked. 

"Yeah, that's what I thought about you. My father is gonna force me to be a deatheater, and contrary to popular belief, I'd rather die that be one. So, if you weren't trying to kill yourself, then what happened?" 

"I just wanted to feel better. I didn't mean to cut that deep... I guess I just lost control like Snape said would happen. I should have listened, but I couldn't get my mother's screams out of my head..." Harry started rambling, lost in thought. 

"H-Harry?" Draco had the distinct feeling that he'd lost Harry to his own thoughts. "Harry, you're kinda scaring me. Are you there?" He waved his hands over Harry's eyes, jerking him back to attention. 

"Huh? OH yeah... Sorry, Draco. I just kinda spaced out," Harry apologized. 

"Yeah, I saw that. You gotta stop cutting, and spacing out, and all this stuff. I heard that Dumbledore was talking about St. Mungos. But they're gonna have you live with Snape first. If that doesn't work out..." Draco warned. Then a thought clicked in Draco's head. "What did you mean when said that you cut too deep?" 

"Never mind, forget I said it." 

"No. I really want to know." 

"OK, um, lift up my left sleeve." Harry instructed. Draco did and was shocked at how many scars he saw. 

"You did this all to yourself?" 

"Yes. I didn't think I would go overboard and almost kill myself. But... Snape was right about everything," Harry said. Both boys then looked up when they heard the door open. 

"Draco, can I talk to Harry alone?" Snape asked. Draco nodded and got up to leave. With one last glance back at Harry, he knew that they'd made a connection and wouldn't be enemies anymore. Snape sat down next to Harry. 

"I'm so sorry, Professor. You were right about everything. I should have come to you instead, but I didn't think it would hurt just once." 

"Now you know. I just feel horrible that you had to learn the hard way. But... does this mean you are sincere about wanting to stop?" 

"Yeah... but you're not mad?" 

"No... just concerned. You worry me, boy. I should tell you, when you are released from here, you won't be going back to the Gryffindor dorms." 

"Yeah, I know. Draco told me that I'm living with you." 

~~/~@ 

That afternoon, Dumbledore and Madame Pomphrey gave their approval for Harry to be moved down to Snape's dungeons that night. 

Harry had never actually been inside of Snape's personal chambers down in the dungeons. His face showed how shocked he was. Harry had been expecting the room to be more Spartan and not as warm and inviting as it was. It was decorated in warm greens and browns. There was a large comfortable couch in front of a fireplace and three doors that led to two bedrooms and a bathroom. So after getting settled in, Harry was laying comfortably on a sofa working on the homework that he'd missed. He stopped in the middle of his arithmancy homework with a loud sigh. 

"What's wrong?" Snape asked from the table where he was grading homework. 

"Nothing." 

"No, Harry. I'm taking care of you, you need to tell me if there is something wrong." 

"But it's really not that big of a deal. I've always been able to take care of myself before." Harry tried to assure him. 

"Well, just because you can doesn't mean you have to. That's my job now. So... what's wrong?" Snape asked more gently. 

"Not much. I hate arithmancy, that's it. It's just like regular math, and I hate math. Well... and my arms hurt a bit," Harry admitted. Snape knelt beside Harry and took his arms to examine them. "It's probably about time to change your bandages," he observed. 

"Gosh, it's just some cuts." Harry protested. 

"No, it's not just some cuts this time, Harry. You almost died." Snape lectured. He went to the cupboard and retrieved bandages and a potion. He came back and unwrapped the bandages around Harry's arms. 

"Oh..." Harry mumbled, seeing his arms. He hadn't actually seen how bad they were since he was practically in a blind panic while he was doing it, and they'd been in bandages since he'd awoken. Snape dabbed some potion on Harry's arms, and Harry tensed and breathed in sharply. 

"That stings!" 

"Don't be such a baby," Snape teased with a soft smile. Then he wrapped new bandages around Harry's arms. He took the old ones to the garbage and grabbed a different bottle of potion. 

"Take this pain relieving potion and go to bed. You still need rest." 

"But I have make up homework." 

"You can work on it tomorrow. You're not going to class tomorrow." Harry's jaw dropped in disbelief and disappointment. 

"Don't, worry. I'll help you with Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts," Snape told him. Harry nodded and downed the potion. 

"Hey... this doesn't taste like pain relieving potion." Harry frowned. Not even a second after he said that, his head drooped down and the potion vial fell out of his hand. The last thing he remembered was the triumphant grin on Snape's face. "You suck." Harry mumbled before completely falling asleep. 

Harry's last comment made Snape laugh softly. He picked up the sleeping boy and brought him to his new bedroom that was decorated in red and gold. He tucked Harry in and put his glasses on the nightstand before leaving. 

~~/~@ 

The next morning, Harry woke up to a pair of large eyes staring back at him, and he yelled, startled. He scooted away from the eyes, and then saw that it was Dobby, the house elf that he had freed from slavery during his third year. 

"Dobby, you scared me," he gasped. 

"Oh, Dobby is sorry, sir. Mr. Snape wanted Dobby to watch Harry Potter while Mr. Snape is away," Dobby apologized. 

"That's ok, Dobby." Harry said. He reached for his glasses and slipped them on. 

"Is Harry Potter hungry?" Dobby asked. Now that Harry thought about it, he was hungry. He nodded and Dobby rushed out of the room to get some food. Then, Harry noticed a letter on his nightstand from Snape, and picked it up to read it. 

- 

Harry, Dobby is here to take care of you while I am teaching. This means you are to rest all day so that maybe you'll be healthy enough to go to classes tomorrow, but you come back to the room as soon as you feel tired or weak. Ron and Hermione came last night to visit while you were sleeping. They will also come after their classes to see you. Severus Snape 

- 

Harry remembered the potion that Snape has give him last night and was quite annoyed that he had missed a visit from Ron and Hermione. He was happy that he might be able to go to class tomorrow, though. Dobby entered the room with a tray of food for Harry. 

"Thank you, Dobby." Harry smiled. He grabbed a piece of toast and started eating. Dobby stood their, shifting uncomfortably. 

"What's wrong, Dobby?" Harry asked. 

"Dobby has a question." 

"Go ahead." 

"Is the rumors true? Did Harry Potter try to kill himself?" Dobby looked as if he was ready to cry. 

"No... not quite, Dobby," Harry half told him. 

"Why is Harry hurt?" 

"I hurt myself, but it won't happen again. Everything is fine," Harry calmly told him. Dobby accepted this explanation. 

"Dobby, what time is it?" Harry asked. 

"It is 12:14 in the afternoon. Harry slept for a long time." 

"Yeah... Harry did." Harry said, then he laughed when he realized that he had spoken of himself in third person. 

~~/~@ 

The next day, Hermione and Ron came to Snape's to get Harry and go to breakfast. As they walked together, Harry could feel eyes on him. He heard whispers behind his back. He could see people trying to look like they weren't staring at him. He was used to people looking at him because of who he was, but this was different. 

"I think I change my mind. I don't want to go to class," he softly told Ron and Hermione. 

"You're going to have to face them all sometime. The sooner you get it over with, the easier it will be," Hermione encouraged him. 

It was even worse when they got into the Great Hall. Conversations just stopped when they entered, causing Harry to blush furiously. They quickly sat down at the Gryffindor table. 

"Everybody knows?" Harry asked. 

"Nope. Everyone thinks. They all think you attempted suicide." Ron said. 

Conversations in the hall slowly started up again, albeit softer and with hushed whispers among them. The students at the Gryffindor table were all hiding their staring eyes. Harry looked up to the teacher's table and even some of them were looking at Harry and talking to each other. Snape seemed to be frowning at the conversation going on next to him. He looked at apologetically at Harry. 

"That's it. I can't take this all day." Harry told his friends. He stood on the bench and yelled for everyone's attention. 

"You've all heard rumors that I have tried to kill myself, right?" There were nods around the hall. "Well, they aren't true. I did not try to kill myself and that's all that you need to know. So stop staring and stop talking about me!" And with that, he sat back down and ate his breakfast. 

"Rough morning?" Draco asked as he walked up to the Gryffindor table. 

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry muttered. Draco sat down next to him, across from Ron and Hermione, earning shocked looks from students surrounding them. Nobody else had known about the newfound friendship that Harry and Draco had recently come into. 

"Harry... come on. It's not going to stop right away. Give people time." Draco said. 

"How long?" 

"About a week. If that isn't long enough, then I'll take care of it," Draco made a funny glare and pounded one fist into his palm. Harry laughed softly and relaxed. 

~~/~@ 

The first class that day was transfiguration. Harry handed in his make-up work and got caught up on the spell they were working on. The rest of the classes after that were pretty much the same with handing in make-up work and getting caught up. When they finally got to Potions class, Harry, Draco, and Ron sat together and Harry was having a hard time staying awake while taking notes. 

"Now copy page 72 from the book and put your quills down when you are finished." Snape instructed. He approached their table and leaned in towards Harry. 

"Now... what was our agreement?" he whispered. 

"I know... I'm supposed to go back if I feel tired or weak. But I'm really fine and I don't want to give people more to talk about." 

"People who are fine don't have ink marks on their cheek from falling asleep on their notes before the ink is dry." 

"Wha-?" Harry furiously wiped his face while Draco and Ron giggled softly at him. 

"This is your last class. Go straight to my office afterwards. Then, after my next class, we'll go back to the rooms so you can rest. Until then... stay awake," Snape instructed. Harry nodded. Ron and Draco decided to make it their job to keep Harry awake during class, so in between notes they spent the class time pulling Harry's hair, nudging him in the ribs, and kicking his shins. 

"Can't you find a less painful way of keeping me awake?" Harry complained. They both shook their heads, seriously. 

Finally, class ended and the students filtered out. Harry made his way out the other door that led to Snape's office. Snape followed him and made a cot appear next to Snape's office desk. 

"You sleep. I'll get you when class is over. Then, we are going to talk. You've had a long day." 

~~/~~@ 

Snape was in the middle of teaching some second years a potion when there was a loud thump and a muffled "ow" from the other room. Snape excused himself to go check his office. When he entered the room, he saw Harry on the floor by the cot, rubbing his elbow. 

"Explain?" 

"I dunno... I just had a nightmare and fell off of the cot," Harry shrugged. 

"OK... well do you need anything?" 

"No, I'm fine." 

Snape nodded and left the office to continue his class. After his last class finished, he went back to the office where Harry was asleep again. He was sleeping restlessly in the middle of a dream and almost fell off the cot again. He woke up before that could happen though. 

"Another dream?" Snape asked. Harry looked up and nodded. 

"You done with class?" He asked. Snape nodded and they both got their things together to go back to the dungeon. 

"So how was your day?" Snape asked. Harry shrugged. "Typical teenage response. But, of course, that never means that things are fine. So after your announcement this morning, how were people?" Snape tried again as he held the door open for Harry. 

"Well, the Gryffindor's apologized and people still talked and stared. Draco says to give everyone about a week to settle down," Harry told him. 

"Sounds like good advice." 

"And he said that if it doesn't die down in a week, he'll take care of it." 

"And how would he do that?" Snape almost laughed. 

"I dunno..." Harry shrugged. As they reached the dungeon doors, Harry leaned on the cool wall while Snape dug a key out of his robe pocket to unlock the door. 

"Why do you use a key instead of magic?" Harry asked. 

"I do use magic. This is a magical lock and key. Nobody can open it without the password and the key together," He said as he stuck the key in the hole. 

"And the password is?" 

"Marguerite," Snape softly spoke. The door opened for them, and they entered the room. 

"Who's Marguerite?" 

"My late wife. She died many years ago in the middle of childbirth." 

"Was she pretty?" 

"Beautiful. Nobody compared to her beauty. Here's a picture of her." Snape pulled a small picture from his pocked and handed it to Harry. 

The woman in the picture was very pregnant and glowing as her dark curly hair fell around her face like a frame. She was smiling so peacefully and Severus Snape had his arms around her, and his head lying against hers. He was smiling with happiness in his eyes that Harry had never seen in the man before. 

"She's beautiful. You both look so happy," Harry commented. He handed the picture back to Snape and he looked at it almost longingly. 

"We were happy." 

"I'm sorry that I made you remember. It must hurt to be reminded," Harry muttered. He started to walk to his own room. 

"No need to apologize. I like to remember times when I was happy. I just wish that you had more good memories to think of," Snape said, stopping Harry. He looked back at Snape with questioning eyes. Snape sat down on the sofa and motioned for Harry to sit next to him. 

"I mean... your parents died before you could make any good memories with them. You spent your whole life being verbally abused by the Dursley's, and so you don't have that many good memories to look back on. I'm stunned that you found a memory to make that Patronus your third year.... against Draco." 

"I have some now, though... with Ron and Hermione." 

"But you started cutting before that... before Hogwarts," Snape stated more than asked. They'd never really talked about the beginnings of Harry's cutting or the Dursley's that much. 

"How did you know?" 

"It makes sense, really. You probably weren't taught or even allowed any coping mechanisms like talking to other people or anything healthy like that... so you learned to cope on your own." 

"Yeah I guess so," Harry nodded with a thoughtful look on his face. 

"So now would be a good time to start. You already know that you can talk to me about anything. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. Why don't you tell me about the Dursley's? You always avoid talking about them." 

"Well, what do you want to know?" Harry asked, unsurely. 

"Did they ever hit you?" Snape looked Harry straight in the eyes. Harry paled, confirming Snape's suspicions. Harry gave a small nod. 

"Why did you ever report this?" 

"Well, at first I didn't know that it was wrong. I've never had any other experience to compare. Then, I saw how the Weasley's were and I was embarrassed to tell anyone. And everybody looks up to the Boy Who Lived... what would people think, if they found that I couldn't even protect myself from my own muggle relatives?" 

"They would hate your relatives for hurting an innocent child, and they'd help you in any way possible," Snape said. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before," Harry's shoulders slumped. 

"Don't apologize. You apologize too much." 

"I'm sorry that I apologize too much... I mean... gosh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." 

"Harry?" 

"Yes, Professor?" 

"Shut up. 

"Yes, Professor." 


	3. hope3

Snape awoke suddenly in the middle of the night. He listened to find what had woke him up. He heard a soft groan from Harry's room and threw his blankets back and went to see what was wrong. 

When he opened the door to Harry's room, he saw the boy tossing around in his sleep. He got closer, and could see Harry's pale and sweaty face. He put his hand on Harry's forehead and was surprised at how hot it was. He also noticed that Harry calmed down when he set his hand on his head. 

"He's got a fever," he muttered to himself. He took his hand away and Harry woke up. 

"I don't feel good," Harry whimpered. 

"I know, Harry. I'm sorry," Snape softly said. He took Harry's arms and unwrapped the bandages. 

"Don't go." 

"I'll be right back, Harry. I promise," he answered. He went to his fireplace and threw in floo powder, saying Madame Pomphrey's name. 

"Yes, Severus?" Madame Pomphrey said, impatiently, as her head appeared in the fireplace. 

"Harry's arms are infected and he has a fever. Please come down here," Snape said. Madame Pomphrey stepped through the fireplace into Snape's dungeons. 

"Where is he?" She asked. Snape led her to Harry's room. 

"Oh you poor boy.... always getting in some sort of trouble or getting sick," she said. She got down to business with charms and potions on Harry's arms, while Snape sat on the bed just running his hand through Harry's hair in a soothing manner. By the time Madame Pomphrey was done, Harry had fallen asleep again. 

"Why Severus, you're almost like a father again." She looked over at Harry on the bed, "He acts so much like Michael did," Snape flinched with the reminder that his son was gone. 

"Don't fight it... you have another chance. Take it," she told him. 

"You don't know what you're talking about. Thank you for your help and goodnight," Snape sharply said. 

"I have done all I can... but Harry's body will have to do the rest. He needs to rest and recoup for one day while the fever dies down," Madame Pomphrey explained. Then she stepped through the fireplace again. 

Snape went back to Harry's room where Harry was crying silently in his sleep. Snape wondered what Harry was dreaming about. He grabbed a wizard ice pack before going to Harry and he layed it on Harry's forehead where it adjusted itself to the right temperature and size for Harry. Seeing Harry so vulnerable brought back memories of his son's last moments. 

He remembered the meeting with former deatheaters and finding that his son had witnessed the secret meeting. He'd tried to convince the other former deatheaters that his son was trustworthy. He thought it had worked, but they poisoned his son and he died one week later. He'd spent his last days confined to a bed, wracked with pain and fever. 

It seemed almost as though Snape were living through the death of his son again. Voldemort was after Harry, Snape was a spy for Dumbledore, and he'd almost lost Harry already when he'd cut too deep. He sighed and made a cot appear beside Harry's bed where he decided to sleep for the night. 

~~/~@ 

The next day all Potions classes were cancelled so that Snape could stay and take care of Harry. Harry was more coherent in the day than he was before, but there was something bothering him. 

"Professor... was your son named Michael?" Harry asked once Snape was checking his arms again. Snape froze. 

"Yes... how did you know that?" 

"I- I don't know. I think I dreamed it, but I don't know. I'm sorry. Forget I said anything." Harry said quickly. Snape nodded absentmindedly as he re-bandaged Harry's arms a little too roughly. 

"Ow. Professor, that's too tight," Harry said with a flinch. Snape looked up. 

"I'm sorry, Harry. I got lost in my thoughts." 

"No… I'm sorry I asked about your son." 

"No, it's not your fault. I'll tell you about him. Michael lived to be eleven years old. He was five years older than you. He'd be about nineteen now. He was a lot like you. Made friends very easily and always turned out to be the leader. He was brave and defiant against anything that just wasn't right. I was almost surprised that he didn't get sorted into Gryffindor. He only got to attend Hogwarts for one year, but he loved it. During your first year, the teachers commented to me about how much you reminded them of Michael." 

"Is that why you hated me? You didn't want to be reminded?" Harry asked. 

"I never hated you... but I didn't want to remember. You are right about that. I hardened my own heart." Snape then told Harry of how Michael died. "So I guess I really should have followed my own advice from the beginning. It feels a lot better to finally share this with someone." Snape smiled. 

"Glad that I could be of some help." 

"You were. But, how are you feeling? Are you in any pain? You still have a bit of a fever." 

"I feel better than I did last night," Harry said. 

"Good... well today is Friday so you don't have any classes to go to tomorrow. You can use tomorrow to work on today's homework." 

There was a knock on the door and Snape got up to get it. Draco was at the door and he was let in. 

"Draco's here, Harry," Snape called. Draco went straight to Harry's room. 

"Wow... you look like crap," he observed. 

"Gee… thanks." Harry smiled sarcastically. 

"So do either you or Snape want to explain? Potions was cancelled for the first time in... ever." Draco raised his eyebrow at them. 

"Well, Harry's arms became infected. He's been fighting a fever, so I stayed with him," Snape explained. 

"Touching," Draco nodded. He opened his bag and shoved papers into Harry's hand. "Hermione asked me to give it to you." 

"Why didn't she come over?" Harry asked. 

"She and Ron made a small discovery today and they are... shall we say... indisposed," Draco grinned evilly. 

"You're kidding... Are they going out now?" Harry asked. Draco nodded. "Finally! I thought it'd never happen." 

"Um... I'll just go work. You two talk about... teenage things," Snape awkwardly said as he left the room. Draco let out a small laugh when Snape left, and turned back to Harry. 

"So... Ron has Hermione, but who does the Boy Who Lived have a crush on?" Draco asked. 

"Well... promise you won't tell Ron?" 

"Wow... this must be good. Ok, I promise." 

"OK. I like Ginny. Ron would kill me if he found out," Harry blushed as he admitted it. 

"Really? I never would have thought that. I thought you liked Cho.... well you did last year. Everybody knew it." 

"Oh, well I don't know. I guess I knew I had no chance with her after I got her boyfriend killed so..." 

"Harry, I know you're probably sick of hearing this from people, but you're gonna keep hearing it until you believe it. Cedric's death was not your fault. It was Vo- You Know Who's fault. Nobody blames you." 

"I do." 

"Well... stop. You can't. You have to realize that it wasn't your fault." 

"Thanks. Let's get back on topic, though… please. So who do you like?" 

"I kinda always fancied Lavender." Draco said. 

"Really? You and Lavender? There's the most unexpected connection I've ever heard. She's so... flighty and.... well she's kind of a ditz." 

"She's not flighty and ditzy. She just acts like normal girls to. Not all girls can be little tomboys like Ginny and Hermione. And she actually is smart, if you paid attention to her grades." Draco defended her. 

"OK, ok. I'm sorry," Harry grinned as he apologized. 

~~/~@ 

By the time Christmas holiday rolled around, things were almost back to normal. Harry still had to live with Snape, but he actually liked it. 

Not many people stayed at Hogwarts during the break, but Harry, Draco, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender, Parvati, and Neville did. There were also others from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, but Draco was the only Slytherin to stay. Because of this, he had permission to stay at the Gryffindor tower during Christmas break. 

"Hey Draco... why don't you spend some time with Lavender since there's not many people here anyways?" Harry suggested one night while they were playing a game of chess together. 

"Yeah sure, if you get the courage to ask Ginny out. Everyone knows that she likes you, so make a move." Draco said. Harry nodded and took out Draco's queen. 

"How's that move?" He smirked at Draco, "Yeah, fine. I'll ask her out tomorrow on Christmas Eve. You gotta start letting Lavender know you like her, though." 

"Deal." Draco nodded. 

"Hey, what's up?" Ron asked as he and Hermione approached the two. 

"Nothing much. Beating Draco at chess and making a deal." Harry answered. 

"Deal about what?" Hermione asked. 

"Can't tell. You'll find out tomorrow." Draco answered. 

"OK. Hey, we're all still exchanging gifts tomorrow night, right?" Ron asked. Harry nodded. 

"Alright then. I'll be off to bed, then. It's late, you all should be turning in soon, also." Hermione said. She kissed Ron on the cheek before turning in. Ron blushed almost as red as his hair like he did every time Hermione kissed him. 

Not long after that, they all turned in. Draco and Ron walked with Harry to Snape's dungeons and then back to the Gryffindor dorms. 

~~/~@ 

Christmas Eve passed very quickly to Harry. It felt like one minute he was eating breakfast with Snape and the next he was already sitting by the fireplace with his friends, and they were all exchanging gifts. It was during this time that two major events happened for the group. 

First, Hermione and Ron finally realized what everyone had seen for years and so they officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. The next big thing that happened, was Harry went through with the deal that he and Draco had made. He asked Ginny to be his girlfriend, and she happily said yes like everyone knew she would. Everyone in the school knew that Ginny had a crush on Harry for four years, so this was the best thing ever to happen to her. 

Unfortunately, Draco's shyness got in the way and he stayed away from Lavender the whole day. 

~~/~@ 

The next morning Harry woke up and jumped out of bed. Immediately, he jumped back in, startled by the cold. He wrapped his blanket around himself and then got out of bed. Snape was already at the dining room table, drinking tea. He laughed when Harry came out with his blanket. 

"What's so funny?" Harry asked. 

"You are. You're a wimp, but if you really are that cold..." Snape snapped his fingers and the heat in the room increased. Harry dropped the blanket on the couch. 

"Are you going to open your presents?" Snape asked. 

"What presents? I already got my sweater from Mrs. Weasley last night. And back in the common room we all exchanged...." Harry said. Then he looked over to the tree by the fireplace and his eyes got wide. He had presents from Snape. 

"Thank you so much!" Harry hugged Snape tightly. Then he ran to unwrap his presents. He received a penseive, a journal, a new potion kit, a book of spells not sold in public wizard stores, and a book on how to become animagus. 

"Thank you, Professor. Oh, I almost forgot. I made you a present." Harry went back to his room and came out with a gift. He handed it to Snape, and he carefully undid the wrapping paper without ripping it. Snape held the present with an unreadable expression. It was a silver frame with two pictures in it. The first one was a larger, newer copy of Snape and pregnant Marguerite. The second was a picture taken by Colin Creevy of Snape smiling and messing Harry's hair after a Quidditch game. 

"I had Colin help me with the picture of you and Marguerite. He showed me the other picture... and I thought that this way you could have another happy memory to look at. Do you like it?" Harry asked. Snape finally smiled. 

"Harry, I love it." He reached over and hugged Harry. He took out his wand and put the picture on the wall above the sofa. 

"So, what will you be doing today?" Snape asked. 

"I don't know. Maybe I'll spend some time with Ginny." 

"Ginny Weasley... you like that girl," Snape observed. Harry laughed. 

"Yes, I do. You're kind of late though. I asked her to be my girlfriend, last night." 

"Really? I'm glad for you." 

"Thanks. Oh! Next time we work in pairs in Potions, I think you should pair up Lavender and Draco." 

"Lavender and Draco??" 

"Trust me on this, Professor." 

~~/~@ 

Christmas break was over and classes had started again. 

"Today, class, we'll be working in partners for our potion. I will assign the partners. Harry with Parvati, Hermione with Ron, Lavender with Draco... " and so the list went on. Draco looked up sharply when he and Lavender were partnered together, and he didn't miss the twinkle in Snape's eyes... almost like Dumbledore, but it was quickly hidden. 

"We will be making a healing potion today. Turn to page 293 in your text and to the last notes that you took before break. You will be using these to make the potion. If you need any help, I will be walking around," Snape said. Everyone then got to work. 

"You know something," Parvati whispered to Harry. He looked at her, blankly. Parvati stated it differently. "You know something about Draco and Lavender." 

"Oh… yeah I do. Draco likes her... or haven't you noticed?" Harry grinned. They both looked over at the two. Draco and Lavender were both being very shy with each other, which was unusual for both of them. 

"Wow, I didn't notice. I know that Lavender finds him very good looking though." 

"So, what about you and Neville. I know that you like him," Harry said. Parvati blushed. 

"He and I are going on a date during the next Hogsmeade outing." 

"That's great. I'm glad for you two," Harry smiled. 

"So am I... but you've gotten nowhere on your potion. More work and less talk." Snape interrupted them. 

"Yes, Professor," They said, simultaneously. 

~~/~@ 

Three weeks passed and Hogsmeade came and went and Draco and Lavender became a couple. 

The night after Hogsmeade, Harry walked Ginny to the Gryffindor House entrance and then went down to Snape's dungeons. When he got there, Snape was reading a book on the couch. Harry went and sat down next to him. There was a thought that had been in the back of his mind for a while 

"Professor?" he asked. Snape put down the book and Harry continued, "Well, is there any potion or spell that could make, um... make scars disappear?" 

Snape sighed and put his hand on Harry's shoulder, "Harry, there is nothing that can undo the damage that you inflicted upon yourself. The scars will be with you always. I'm sorry, I know how it feels when you come to the point where you are ashamed of what you did, and want to be rid of the marks." 

"I just... I remember that I actually wanted them at one time. And even when I didn't want them and tried to stop, I couldn't stop myself. And now, because I was stupid, I have these." Tears began to well in Harry's eyes and he refused to let them fall. 

"Harry, it's ok to cry," Snape wrapped his arms around Harry and hugged him. The tears came and didn't stop until Harry fell asleep. Snape picked up Harry, who was still very light in his fifteen years of age, and tucked him into his bed. Then, he went back to continue reading his book. He stopped after five minutes because he couldn't concentrate. He was thinking of Harry. That was the first time since November that Harry had willingly talked about his cutting, and it was already at the end of January. 

"The battle is definitely not over," He said to himself. 

~~/~@ 

The spring went by slowly due to lack of Holidays and events. The only thing people were looking forward to was the final Quidditch game. Gryffindor against Slytherin. 

That day finally did come and nobody was injured, which was a first in Slytherin vs. Gryffindor history. Harry caught the snitch, but Slytherin had been many points ahead. The game ended in a tie, and everyone seemed to accept it. 

That night after the parties, Harry was sitting with Snape on the sofa, reading. 

"Harry, is something bothering you?" Snape asked. Harry looked up. 

"Huh? No, I'm fine... just reading." 

"Your book is upside down." Snape pointed out. Harry blushed and closed his book. 

"OK yeah... I was wondering, with school ending in one week... am I going back to the Dursleys?" Harry asked. 

"Yes." 

"But, it's horrible there. You even said that they had no right treating me like they do," Harry protested. 

"I know, Harry. I tried to talk to Dumbledore. He said that you could only stay with relatives. That's how the protection charms work. They are your only real relatives besides Sirius, and you know he can't take you in." Snape explained. 

"So why don't you adopt me then?" 

Snape was caught off-guard, "Harry, I can't. I can't be a father. You don't want me as a father.... I just can't do it," he said with a pale face. 

"You were a father before. And you've certainly been acting as one all year," Harry looked crushed. 

"I can't, Harry. Please, just accept it," Snape slammed his book shut and went to his bedroom. Harry flinched as Snape's door slammed, and he sat on the sofa while silent tears filled his eyes. He ran to his own room then, his breathing getting faster. He took deep breaths to calm himself, but he felt like the whole world was closing in on him. 

He'd just been rejected by the only person in the world that had ever treated him like a loveable child. Like he mattered. Maybe he really was as bad and unlovable as he had always thought before. 

He reached in his trunk where he usually kept his blades. Then, he remembered that he threw all his blades out over Christmas break. All he could find was a red marker with his parchment and quills. He opened it, without thinking, and slashed it across his arms over and over again, trying to substitute that for a blade. He ended up falling asleep when he had calmed down and the marker fell from his hand to the floor. 

~~/~@ 

Snape awoke the next morning with the sun and as he got ready, he remembered the conversation from last night. He sighed at the guilt he felt. He should have explained better to Harry. The boy had been through so much already. 

He waited until it was late enough in the morning. Harry was still not awake, which caused Snape some concern. Harry was usually up by then. He went into Harry's room to check on him. Harry had fallen asleep in his clothes at the foot of the bed. Red lines ran up and down his arms, and Snape could see the trail that tears had left behind on his face. 

After checking the red marks and finding they were only ink, he decided to leave the room and let Harry wake up on his own. As he walked back to the sitting room, he thought of the situation out loud. 

"He has two options in his mind when he is upset.... talk or cut. He usually talks about his feelings to me, but now... what do I do? I became the reason that he feels horribly... now what?" 

Snape started to cook breakfast, hoping the smell would wake Harry. Soon, he heard the sound of the shower. Fifteen minutes later, Harry walked out and joined Snape as the table. 

"Good morning, Harry," Snape said. 

"Morning," Harry's voice was dull and void of emotion. 

"Harry, I'm sorry about how I handled last night," Snape started. Harry spoke before he could continue. 

"No, I understand. Don't worry about it," Harry finished his breakfast and went back to his room before Snape could ask about the red marks. 

Harry spent the whole weekend avoiding Snape, arousing the curiosity of others. 

"What's going on?" Draco asked on Monday morning. They were sitting together, waiting for Snape to arrive. They had their potions final today. 

"What do you mean?" 

"With you and Snape. You're avoiding him like the plague," Draco said. 

"Nothing is going on. It must be your imagination," Harry answered. Snape then entered the room. 

"Everyone will work alone. You will make either a healing potion or a sleeping potion from memory. Go." 

~~/~@ 

At the end of the week, the students were all getting ready to leave. They were packing their bags onto the train and saying their goodbyes to everyone. 

Harry saw Snape standing alone, watching everyone. Harry made his way through the crowd to Snape. 

"I'm sorry for the way I've been acting all week... avoiding you and ignoring you. It was... uncalled for." 

"No, Harry. It's understandable. Now.... don't miss the train," Snape said with a light smile. Harry threw his arms around Snape and hugged him. 

"I'll miss you," he whispered before running to get on the train. 

Snape wasn't sure what exactly just happened, but he knew that Harry was right. He had been a father to Harry that whole year. He needed to talk to Dumbledore. 

~~/~@ 

Harry, Ron, Draco, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender, Parvati, and Neville all managed to fit into one compartment together on the way to King's Cross. 

"I'll miss you, Ginny," Harry said. 

"I'll miss you too, but now you have another reason to come to the Burrow." Ginny responded. 

The train ride back was fairly uneventful. When they arrived back, there was lots of hugging and kissing between the couples and goodbyes from everyone. Families came and took friends and the crowds got smaller as people left. Soon there were only a few people left and Harry sighed, thinking that the Dursley's had forgotten about him. 

"What do you mean Platform 9 3/4? There's no such thing. Go home, sir." Harry heard a man say. He looked over to see Snape arguing with the man. 

"Professor?" He asked loudly. Snape turned and saw him. He thanked the man and walked toward Harry. 

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked. 

"Well, I lost one son... and I don't think I could bear to lose another." 

"You... you mean it?" Harry asked. 

"I talked to Dumbledore. The adoption papers will be ready in a few days. You're coming home with me." 

Harry couldn't believe what was happening. He was finally getting a father. 

"Hold on to my hand, Harry. We're going home," Snape said. 

Harry grabbed onto his father's hand and they dissapparated. 

THE END 


End file.
